Hello, Lovelies
Today I really just wanted to write about how my first (and only) relationship ended.
It is crazy how one minute you are my world, and the next you are completely cut from it. It doesn't matter the length of time you are with someone. The break up has the same general outline:
- problems
- tension
- the actual act of breaking up
- the small feeling inside
- cutting all strings attaching you to them
At least, that's the way I see it. Anything else is just added on top like toppings on a pizza. It just gives it more flavor... And costs more in the long run.
Now, more about my relationship.
The beginning of our relationship has us going back all the way to freshman year of high school. A friend of mine asked you to go to the homecoming dance with me.... Without me even knowing until after the fact. But you said you would, and we were both pretty excited. Who wouldn't be excited to have a date to the dance?
Flash forward to the dance where we hung out with each other and friends, got to know each other better, and, of all things, danced. Well, kind of. Dancing is a relative term for the awkward way you moved your body to the beat. It was a bit charming in a geeky kind of way.
At the end of the night, you almost kissed me. You knew it, I knew it. But in the end it just didn't happen (turned out that you were really sick that night). There were only awkward glances in class and from down the hallway from that day on. Or until the next year when we had Drafting class together, and a fellow classmate, Michael, was literally always trying to get me to date you. It didn't work by the way. There were a lot of moments where we were both uncomfortable.
It wasn't until junior year that things started looking up for us. Well, that too was tricky. We started talking around prom time when you gave me a ride home, and I was left to ask you if you would go to the dance with my friend. Even though she wanted to go as a friend, this left me in weird predicament seeing that I liked you. I was even thinking of asking you. If I had, the next month would have been a lot different.
Since I didn't ask you for myself, you went to prom with her as friends. You didn't dance together and barely said two words to each other all night. Then you started hanging out with some random girl that was there that graduated the year before and was in college. My accidental on purpose name for her: the 12 year old. She still looks 12, just saying.
The following week you started driving my brother and I to and from school every day. You would also flirt and hang out with me despite dating said 12 year old. I was very uncomfortable because I knew how I felt. You were doing one thing, but saying another. And you were having lot of problems with the 12 year old because she cheated on you one time when she got drunk. I knew this because one time while we were hanging out you let me answer your phone when she texted you. Also awkward. This story seems to have a whole lot of that going on.
I ended up telling you how I felt. You asked for a week. During said we you broke up with the 12 year old, saw all my indirect tweets to you, and told me how you felt about me. Then you kissed me. That first kiss of ours (and mine) must have gone down in history as the most awkward of kisses ever. I'm sure of it. It was also exhilarating and made my stomach do flips. I could hardly breathe, but it was also as if I was breathing for the first time in weeks. I got the guy. A seemingly perfect ending.
But not quite.
It wasn't for another two weeks and a day that we were officially in a relationship. I say relationship because our first actual date and not just hanging out at one of our homes wasn't for a whole month after that. Just being with you made me happy. Dates are nice, but just hanging out is nice too sometimes.
The summer went by like this, and we started our senior year of high school. We had a lot of fun times, a few with more tension, but everything was working out and going pretty great. You had taken over my world in just a few short months.
- Halloween
- Thanksgiving
- Your birthday
- Christmas
- New Years
- My birthday
These all went by with happy moments and some not so great moments in between. A lot had happened in those months, and I felt myself falling for you more and more. I knew it wasn't perfect. I knew you weren't perfect. That wasn't what I was looking for. I knew that relationships were hard, and I was willing to except you flaws and all.
The next few months were going just as the others had. Now we were close to graduating, celebrating with open houses, attending your brother's wedding, and planning a trip to your sister's on the east coast. It was all so fast paced and exciting. I thought we were doing great, but this is when the story takes a turn.
During the month of May, you were struggling in our relationship. Maybe I was just naive and completely oblivious, but I thought we were doing just fine. Two peas in a pod. Life was good.
Not so.
This was made clear to me during the last week of May while visiting your family for your brother's wedding. Talk about culture shock. I learned just how different our families truly are. This is not to mention that you barely talked to me the entire trip, and I was surrounded by strangers trying to make the best of it. Trying because I wanted to be with you, and I knew that getting to know your family was important for our relationship. In the end, it didn't even matter.
You were participating in things I would rather not mention. Things that truly disgust me; you know this. I told you before you even did them. It didn't matter that you were doing it to lose the little brother title or if you actually wanted to and thought that it was okay. Maybe both. I was nauseous and could barely eat or sleep the entire time.
The day before your brother's wedding, I gave you back the promise ring you gave me. You were not committed as you said you were. I just didn't realize how true that was until the next night. At the wedding you were flirting with other women. There's no denying it. There is also no denying the fact that you got completely wasted within the first hour of the reception, were grinding on everyone, didn't want to dance with me, lied to my face, and broke promises. Oh, how you did so.
By the end of the night, everyone in the bridal party knew how upset I was at you. I was outraged at your behavior and the way you were treating me. They all thought I was being stupid. They all thought I was ruining the party. They all said that we could "hash it out tomorrow". They -and I -didn't know the half of it.
That night you broke my heart. You shattered me into a thousand pieces. Everything that you lied about from the start came out. Everything that you were struggling with all month came out. Everything that you were hiding came out. Everything came out that night that would break my heart. But I was still willing to try to work through it. What I didn't realize was that how broken I was would alter every moment in our relationship from then on. There was no fixing it.
We carried on with our plans to go to your sister's for a week despite the constant tension. It actually became part of relationship. Every moment was a balancing act, like walking on egg shells or walking a tight rope. Even the seemingly happy moments we knew could come crashing down at a second's notice. We were so careful. Trying to keep the peace and not let on to anyone that everything wasn't rainbows and sunshine was exhausting. It led to you not communicating and me forcing it upon you. That didn't end well either.
After getting home, you asked for a week to think since you didn't know what you wanted. If you wanted me or if you wanted to break up. Funny how our relationship began and ended with you asking for a week.
There was a lot of tears the last two and half months we were together. A lot of acting as if everything was fine. A lot of awkward moments, but that was our whole relationship. Once you said that you didn't want to be together anymore, that I deserved someone "more perfect", I was left with picking myself up. I'm actually doing pretty good though. I'm over the initial shock and therefore can clearly see the flaws and write about them.
I would have done anything for our relationship. That's the kind of girlfriend I am. I wanted us to work so badly, I would have done it all. But that wasn't enough in our case. I see that now. Even if I gave up everything and completely lost who I was, it wouldn't have been enough to save us. The saddest part about us breaking up was knowing how you didn't feel blessed to have someone that would give you the world or die trying. That you didn't feel blessed to have someone love you so much.
It's been three weeks since we went our separate ways, since we spoke. It's been four weeks since you asked for the week to collect your thoughts. I still don't know what to do with your things that you don't want back, but I think I'm actually moving on. I don't know if there is a future for us at all even as friends. Right now, I'm not thinking so. But maybe someday it could be possible.
The year and almost three months with you taught me so much. For that I am thankful. I wish things could have been different for us, but choices were made. They can't be changed now. I guess, it just wasn't meant to be...
HW<3
