New Year state of mind...

As the current year is headed to a close and the new year is just around the corner, many make a New Year's resolution (often to get in better shape). In a way, this is mine. So, in no particular order, here is a list of what I hope to conquer in the next year.

1. Become a Big Sister

I have a whole other post planned chatting about how I feel called to be part of Big Brother, Big Sister. The jist is, I have felt called to join this organization to help a young girl, a Little, learn to have confidence, self worth, and to be a light in the world. I am excited to see what she will teach me also! I'm sure there will be a lot.

2. Donate blood

I have had many opportunities to donate blood during high school and my first semester at Ferris. The problem: The idea of blood being sucked out of my body sickens me. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, and I hope to have the courage to try donating blood within the next year because so many people are in need of blood every day.

3. Get a tattoo

Now, I know many of my family members would be horrified to know that I want to get a tattoo. That's okay. The tattoo that I have designed has a lot of meaning behind it, and I will not regret getting it in the future. This is also a courage resolution, because I am nervous of the pain and going by myself to get it done. Nonetheless, something I hope to accomplish soon...Or at least within the year.

Just a few, but I know that I can have a big impact. A little girl's future could change drastically because of my influence on her life. Even a stranger could impact another's life for worse or better in just a matter of moments. Giving blood is one such example. This year I wish to strive to make a positive impact on the world and focus less on "me".

HW

I Never Imagined College Would...

...start this way for me. I never imagined feeling the way I do.

Going into my senior year of high school, I was dead set on going to one particular college. It is far from home in an amazing city and everything I wanted. Seattle Pacific University. My dream college.

When Seattle didn't work out and neither did my backup, University of Evansville, I was forced to take a gap year. I didn't know what I was going to do, where I was going to go. I remember feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. Especially to myself, but also to my family. I felt meaningless. A waste of space and energy. And heartbroken.

Whenever anyone asked what I was going to do instead, photography was my answer. It had been (and still is) a hobby of mine. It was the only answer I could give. I gave it, but I didn't really believe in it or want to make it full time. The stress of trying to made it that much worse. I didn't pick up my camera for months.

During the winter, I became extremely depressed. More than my usual seasonal depression. This was in part from the no college, gap year, no money, car, life, or friends ordeal and also because of the break up. I even gained some weight. It wasn't enough for family to notice, but it was enough to make my clothes a bit uncomfortable. This just added to the problem.

At the start of the new year, I applied to the local community college. As it would be, my unwanted gap year helped me realize that I wanted to study to be a nurse. But not just any nurse. A Certified Nurse Midwife. A ten year plan was thought up with varying factors, and I was starting to feel just a little bit better. I then got a car and my license. Something was still off, though. I realized that I wasn't happy with going to the community college. I wasn't feeling right about it. It just wasn't feeling like it was the right place for me.

Soon after I understood why I was so uneasy, I learned that their nursing program had recently lost accreditation. That was the moment I knew I would be attending a different college this fall. That college would be FSU. I was feeling much better about the whole situation. Still nervous for orientation, I soon found out that I had no reason to be. Orientation mid July was great. It was fun, informative, a good fit.

Now though, I still find myself questioning how I got here. Not in a good my-life-is-just-so-wonderful way, but rather a why-can't-I-be-excited-to-be-at-FSU kind of way. I know what it is now, too. I had the highest hopes in attending SPU with the dreamiest of campuses. That is the school I chose. FSU is the school I got instead. I didn't choose to stay at home and commute to school everyday, it was just the best option for me financially. The smart option. That doesn't make me feel any less like a failure, a loser, just what the kid in my 9th grade math class told me I would ever be. Nothing.

I'm really trying to find ways to immerse myself into college life at FSU (going to football games and other events on campus), but from living 30 minutes from campus, commuting, having to find a job, having no friends, worrying about science classes, not fitting into any of the organizations, I am on the verge of falling to pieces. I am lost even when I know I will be attending college for the next four to five years at Ferris.

That is why I am back blogging. And because I missed it. Hopefully it will keep me sane in this time of crazy. Maybe occupying myself with blogging and other things totally me will help remind me who I am. Or recreate myself into the person I want to be.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." -George Bernard Shaw

HW

In Just Two Short Weeks...

...I will be starting as a college freshman at FSU. I'm nervous and excited for my first day of classes and finding a part time job to help with the many college costs.

I have declared myself as a pre-nursing major in hopes of making to the professional sequence, graduation, and beyond. My ten year plan also involves me eventually becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife, but we'll see. I need to make it through my first semester of college first. Or even my first day.

While at first I was only excited for my new start at college, I now find myself getting more and more anxious about the whole situation. I can't help but feel this way when I am spending money, buying fancy books, and having them arrive in the mail. Flipping through them is causing me more worry than anything else.

There was a reason I didn't take chemistry in high school. Multiple reasons, actually, but the main being that something just never clicked in my mind. It just doesn't make sense to me 95% of the time. Now, I am starting college, and I have multiple chemistry and biology classes mandatory for my major. I can almost feel my dreams slipping away before I have even had a chance to prove myself. My mind has already wandered to the possibilities of what I might do as a college dropout.

To be completely honest, it is kind of a miracle in itself that I've even made it this far in the college journey. Not to say that I nor my family members aren't smart and capable, but my parents didn't make it to college. My sister hasn't yet either. I know everyone has always had high hopes for me (I was called stupid by some for not starting last year, straight out of high school), but I may not be what everyone hoped. I've constantly had to prove myself. This is just going to be another one of those times. To sink or swim? Bend or break?

I'm sure there are many other college freshmen feeling the same way I am. Too bad I don't know any. There's something, too. How does one make friends? In college specifically? I don't have any friends, and I feel like even a couple going through the same general beginning of college stresses as I would help me feel just a little more at ease.

What's a girl to do? For now I will just be here reading through my textbooks and thinking up what to wear for my first day of classes.

HW<3

Exactly A Year

A lot can happen in a year. People become unrecognizable, inside and out. A plethora of life changes. Too many to count.

A year ago to the day, the boyfriend and I were breaking up. There was crying and sadness, then a weight lifted before anger, frustration, and depression set in. At least on my end. I had no idea who I was or what in the world I was going to do. I knew nothing but disappointment. Disappointment in myself and the situation. Not just the boyfriend, but also with college and my very unwanted gap year. Little did I know how necessary it was then.

And now, it has been an entire year since the break up, and I'm just about to go to his little sister's graduation party. I have been on the fence about going since I was invited about six weeks ago. Since he is off doing his training for the navy far, far from home, I highly doubt he will be there. Still, I know that I will be answering questions asked by his various family members about my plans all while feeling very awkward and staring at my shoes (black flats, if you're interested).

But, nonetheless, I will go. Mostly because I was invited by his sister, and his family has never been anything but kind. Also, I should go because I will be uncomfortable. Let's face it. I am such an anxious person. I am in a bubble, and my bubble home has become placid. Safe it will always be, but that is not how I believe I am supposed to live. That is not how God wants me to live.

It's time to start anew. Be a better version of myself. I am not the girl I was last year. This is the time to step out of the bubble, be a little uncomfortable (it won't last forever), and let the past go.

A lot happens in a year. Let's see what happens these next 12 months.

HW<3

Happy November!

Hello, Lovelies

Happy November! I am so excited for November this year. More so than most other years. One of the reasons: I can finally feel normal about listening to Christmas music. Stores are getting ready for Christmas, too, putting out decorations and playing Christmas-y songs. I love it!

I love thinking about what I want to give to others and then buying it or making it. I love giving/ getting homemade/ handmade gifts. It adds a special quality and means so much more. And then I get to wrap them up. This is one of my favorite part about giving gifts for any holiday or birthday or event. I love making the present look pretty. Presentation is important.

Although it is November, the weather has been unusually warm the past few days. I'm talking 70 degrees! This has been a nice change since October seemed to be especially rainy. No matter how much I love the rain, it is nice to be able to wear shorts in November. The past couple of days I have been taking advantage of the weather change and spending time outside. Mostly I've been raking the leaves. Raking really isn't a chore for me (despite our huge yard full of trees). I love being outside, and I don't mind being a bit sore the next day from doing yard work. Raking is a great arm exercise! So is shoveling which I also enjoy doing (unless some tells me to do it). I especially love how it doesn't seem like I an exercising (and I don't feel guilty for not running -because I hate it!)

However, the unexpected rise is temperature won't last long. It is forecast to be in the 40's in a couple days. Not really a bummer for me, but surely for a lot of others.

Anyways, I hope everyone had a fun Halloween. Mine was pretty good as I spent it with my dad, visited my great grandma, and did a little bit of Christmas shopping. Now we can all sit back, relax, and enjoy some really funny "I told my kids I ate all their Halloween candy!" videos thanks to Jimmy Kimmel.

HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. Happy Halloween! I hope all of you are having fun and continue to have fun this weekend. I, on the other hand, don't have any plans for Halloween. No parties, no hanging out, no movies or dressing up or passing out candy. Literally nothing. That's okay, I guess. There's always next year. Maybe I'll go to haunted houses, hang out with friends, carve pumpkins, dress up, all the stuff I didn't do this year. Here's to hoping.

I might go out and take photos tomorrow, but I believe it is supposed to rain. I love the rain, but it's not so great for my camera. 

2. On a positive note, I finished editing Kaitlynn's senior session tonight. I even went to the effort of making a collage of some of her photos. I thought it would be a nice little surprise. I really hope she likes the photos. I mean, her entire family and all her friends are going to see them. It would be extremely beneficial to me if I received positive feedback about them. It has the potential to help me get to the next level with my photography business. 

Anyway, I am dropping off the disc with her photos on them tomorrow. I will also be uploading them to my photography page  on Facebook. So, check that out. I'm excited for everyone to see them.

3. This past week I have been back to baking and cooking. Not a lot, just more than I had been. I tried out a new recipe for homemade apple cinnamon muffins. They turned out pretty good. I did add extra cinnamon to the recipe. I think I am going to have to make them again because my dad really liked them. They have apple in them, so they're healthy, right? His logic. I am also going to be trying out a recipe for pan fried drumsticks this weekend. I have wanted to try out this recipe for a while, and even though I don't eat it, my dad is pretty excited to see how it tastes. I'm also making more delicious zucchini bread! 

4. A few days ago I noticed a video about marriage and waiting for God's time. I clicked on it. Although a bit long, pressing on twenty minutes, I watched the entire thing. From there I checked out the rest of the videos on the Youtube channel by Autumn Miles. I learned that she started her own conference ministry and quite a bit about her life as a Christian. I was hooked on her videos and watched one after another. After a bit of time passed while watching her videos, I subscribed to her channel. While watching I felt something inside change. Part of me was so moved, so encouraged. I grabbed hold on this feeling.

I picked up my bible and followed along to the scripture she was reading. I really thought about what she was saying. I really felt like God had me find that first video for a reason. I was curious and eager to read more of God's word and learn how I should be living. It had been an honest while since I picked up my bible and read. I'm so glad I did. Something in her words and the passages she read spoke to me in a way different from anything else recently.

If you are interested in checking out Autumn Miles' videos, you can click HERE.

5. I'm not sure I have a five this week. But.... I'm super excited for the Christmas season and snow this year. Last year it was snowing on Halloween. Not this year though. Maybe in a few weeks Michigan will have some snow dusting. That would make my day.

HW<3

What's on My Phone?

Hello, Lovelies

Almost everyone in this day and age has a phone. It may not be the latest iPhone or even a smartphone (I'm looking at you, Dad. Also known as: the guy with the flip phone). But hey, it gets the job done.

Along with the greatness a phone brings of being able to contact people from (almost) anywhere, there are also many ways to personalize a cell phone. From apps downloaded to the background photo, to ringtones, you get to choose it all. It can all be very exciting and liberating to have that this-my-phone-and-I-am-in-control-of-this-if-nothing-else feeling. It's great. Really.

With that said, I am going to show you, my readers, just what is on my phone and how I have marked it as my own. Let's get started, yes?

I have the Maxx Droid from Motorola. I got it July 19, 2014 and will have it until at least July of 2016 when I can upgrade.

This is what the front of my phone looks like when I'm not using it. The screen is black, but flashes the time when it detects motion (like when you pick it up). There is also the option of opening it with the lock on the touchscreen. If I have any notifications, they also show up here. I can check them without opening my phone.

 Once open, the lock screen is shown. This screen has the time, date, and alarm (if it is set). The battery, service, wifi, alarm, and notifs are seen at the top. 

Once the correct password is entered, the home screen pops up. Here you see my background set to a tree with fall leaves, a clock, Google search at the top. Starting at the left, I have a folder labeled tools which came with the phone. Help, Voice Mail, My Verizon, Maps, Calculator, Mobile Hot Spot, Calendar, and Settings shortcuts are found here. Then I have the Google Play Store, Google app, and the recently reinstalled Blogger app. The phone, contacts, text messager, and camera are at the bottom and show on all screens. The middle circle takes you to all the apps and widgets on my phone such as Heads Up and Gmail.

Sliding left, I have a shortcut to Google Keep where I keep the grocery list among other lists and writings. Sliding right, I have the apps for Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, Pinterest, Gallery (photos), Goodreads, a folder for books, and the Spotify app. These are my most used apps.

My phone case is just a plain purple. Lately I have been keeping business cards for my photography in the back. I have also been known for keeping money and photos in the back for safe keeping. Well, kind of safe. Safe until I can't find my phone. 

Another way I personalized my phone is setting contact photos as random photos in my phone such as waffles or sunsets or flowers. I have my old high school set as a yawning cat. Get it? Because school's boring. 

Anyway, that is what is currently on my phone. I hope this post wasn't too boring for you. Talk later.

HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

*Oops, this post is late.

1. Wednesday = library

Honestly, I just really love time spent at the library. It is relaxing and nice to browse the books. The librarians are incredibly nice, even a bit funny. Nothing like all the movies with mean keepers of libraries. Also, there are books for everyone. This is not a bad library. In fact, it is probably the best library I have ever been too. I may be a bit biased. This is the library I have been lucky enough to go to since I was little. I came with empty arms and left with a handful of books.

2. Thursday = grocery shopping

Thursdays every other week is shopping day. I enjoy the time at the store most of the time. Picking out ingredients to foods I want to make is nice. I know not everyone feels the same and maybe they aren't very good cooks. That's okay.

This particular trip to the store was great for another reason. I got Chinese food for dinner! I love the vegetable egg rolls and vegetable fried rice. Not exactly healthy but definitely delicious. I don't feel too bad about it though since I don't get it that often. If only.

3. Friday = football game

It was so, so good to socialize at the last game of the season and be back at the field even though I'm no longer performing in the color guard. It was fun, freezing (figuratively), and the home team won. Yay! It was a bit surprising because we aren't known for winning.

I am so glad I went. The weather held out for the most part (only a sprinkle of showers here and there), and I was able to see some people I haven't seen in... a year or more. Wow. I hadn't realized that it had been so long. My sister, niece and dad came with me which was also nice. I even borrowed a flag from a guard member to spin a little.

4. Saturday = fall festival church event

Tomorrow, today technically, I am going to the fall festival at my sister's church. She is volunteering and was begging me to go with her, so I could see the church and get a feel for it. It should be fun, and I'm taking my camera (I take it everywhere). I'm hoping I will get a few good photos while I'm there or maybe of the foliage on the way home. Opportunity awaits. Who knows? Maybe I will really like the church and will ride along on Sundays in the future.

5. Lastly, I thought I would share about why I haven't posted a new video in a few weeks. Here it is: I want to go in a less generic direction with my videos. For me, this means more time editing and preparing for videos. But also, I believe it will be more rewarding. I have ideas I am working on now, but some ideas involve more than I can do now. I should be able to work on them soon (or so I hope). I think it will be good, what I plan on sharing. Anyways, that's where I am with that.

Good night (morning), HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. My friend, Cierra, is currently at boot camp. In boot camp? In/at, who cares? Anyways. I am currently in the process of writing her a letter. As of right now, it is mostly a lot of writing about current events about bands we like. For instance, I told her not to fret because Drew (from the Tide) still looks like Cameron Dallas' twin. Real interesting stuff going down. I'm not finished yet, but I think she is really going to appreciate it.

2. Today, my dad and I went shopping. We were looking for some Christmas gifts, a gift for my great grandma's birthday (the party's Sunday apparently), and I needed a few things too. We found a few gifts for Christmas that are really cute. Dad bought a chair. We bought grandma an Olaf soap dispenser. Here's a picture of it:

Bad smartphone photo. Oh, well.

We also bought her some good smelling soap to put in it. Pomegranate scented, I do believe. What do you give a 91 year old lady for her birthday? We thought this would be a hit.

3. Tomorrow I am taking photos of my niece and Kaitlynn and her friend. They asked to do some BFF photos as part of Kaitlynn's senior shoot. We took the majority of her photos Monday afternoon and will be finishing up tomorrow afternoon. I am going to have ton of photos to edit after that. I'm going to be super busy. I already started editing the senior photos from Monday, and they are looking pretty good. I'll be posting photos on my Facebook page soon, so check that out.

4. In other not so important news, I have recently started watching Gilmore Girls again. I just finished watching the first episode of season three. Gilmore Girls is probably my favorite TV show ever. I remember coming to my grandparents house when I was in elementary school, and I would watch it while sitting on the TV room floor. I have seen some of the episodes a dozen times and others only a couple. I don't think it will ever get old. I will be upset the day it is taken off of Netflix.

5. Lastly for this five, I made dinner on Tuesday. I really enjoy making dinner sometimes. There is something really nice about it. I play some music on Spotify, maybe dance a little, and cook. This time I made potato soup, baked chicken (for brother and dad), and corn on the cob. It was delicious. I'm sure I'll be making more potato soup this fall/winter for my family, and maybe I'll post the recipe for potato soup on my blog sometime.

Okay, I'm going now. Need to finish that letter to Cierra.

HW<3

Struggling.

It's 1:30 am, and I am sitting on my bed crying.

I'm here thinking about how I felt like my writing pieces were getting better, and now I'm stuck and don't even want to look at them. I'm here thinking about how I wish my photography was better. I can take a, one, really great photo and the next five are passable but not nearly as good. Sometimes I just hate them all. I'm just sitting here thinking about how I feel like I can't talk to my dad like normal because the past week he hasn't been paying attention when I try to talk to him. It feels like he just doesn't care. I feel like I have no one to talk to at all right now. I'm sitting here thinking about how I don't have a mother who really cares and how I wish she didn't try to buy my love. I'm here getting really overwhelmed and anxious for all that I have going on this weekend, and it's still half a week away. I'm just here thinking about how I'm not a good person, how I'm not nice. I'm thinking about how I'm never going to have the future that I hope for. I'm here thinking that I wish I had just one friend that would listen and understand perfectly. I'm thinking about how fat I feel. I'm thinking that I wish I could be over this stupid breakup with this stupid guy. I wish I could say that I'm over it since it's been over two months, but I would be lying.

I feel like a bad Christian, daughter, sister. Just bad. And I'm struggling with it all at once.

I wish that I didn't compare my writing or photography with others. I wish that I didn't compare myself to other people at all. I wish that I had a better relationship with my family, but I'm just not good at it. I wish that I didn't get completely overwhelmed and completely anxious ridden. And I'm not even in college like most everyone my age as people love to remind me. I just wish that all the things I think of and want to do to help others could actually happen. I wish that I had more patience to wait for what God has planned. I wish I had a friend. I wish I was twenty pounds lighter. I really just wish that I was over this guy, over everything, like I want to be.

But I'm not, and I don't have patience, I do compare myself and my work to others, I do get completely overwhelmed and anxious and feel like I'm going to puke.

I know that time won't stop. I know that I will get through it all because even though I don't feel like I'm able, I have to. I don't have a choice. Life keeps happening and this will just be one little bump in the road. But right now at this very moment, I don't know what to do. I am just one big struggling mess.

So, I'm going to think about all this and cry until I finally fall asleep.

HW

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies 

1. Okay, so I was having a really nice day. Nothing in particular that made it super great, but I felt good and everything. Then, well, I wasn't having such a good day. The past three and a half hours (it's 10:30 now) were kinda ruined for me. But, I pretty much had this post done before that. So, the rest of it is pretty happy go lucky. So... Read on.

2. Halloween is only three weeks away, and I have got a pretty good start on my costume. I need more supplies for it though. Once I go to Walmart and buy more, I should have it done pretty quick. I will definitely post photos when I finish. I may not be doing anything for Halloween, but I still want to dress up. That's not weird is it? I haven't truly dressed up for the holiday in years. I really just want to for me. 

In other Halloween news, I convinced my dad to buy me three little pumpkins at the store yesterday. They cost three dollars total and make me totally happy to see on my desk. My family never really decorates for the seasons other than Christmas. This is just one little bit that stands out and brightens my day. A couple of quick snaps with my phone:

3. Tomorrow I am planning on a senior photo session for Kaitlynn, ex boyfriend's sister. I am excited but nervous. Also, Kaitlynn was really hoping for the leaves to be colorful. Not many trees have leaves that turned to the gorgeous Instagram worthy red, orange, and yellow colors yet. Most are just green. That said, she might want to reschedule. If not, cool. I also have a few ideas to still get the colorful backdrop she wants. There are a couple of trees in my yard that have turned and would look so great bokehnized. Yup, made up that word. Seriously though. Bokeh fall leaves would be so incredibly gorgeous in her photos. Whichever, rescheduling or searching for color, we'll make it work.

*Update: It's 6:30 and I just got back from her house. We had a really good talk about photography, cats, and other random things. It was great! I'm really excited to take her senior photos. Also, she wants me to take more photos for her throughout her senior year including prom and graduation. Yay!

4. So, I love the fall. It is my favorite season. I can't get enough, but a small part of me wishes it was Christmas already. Every year around this time I get really excited for Christmas. I don't know why. There's just this feeling I get. It's hard to put in words, I guess. I have a confession. I have already started listening to Christmas music a little. I know this is probably making you, the reader, cringe. The other day I was upset, and it was the only thing making me feel better. So, no shame.  

5. I was wondering if my readers had any blog post suggestions. Any video suggestions? I would love to read them. Leave a comment if you want to read/watch anything in particular. If so, I will try and incorporate them into what I am working on now. At the moment, I am trying to do something really special to me, but it won't be up for a while. Anyways. Talk later, Lovelies.

HW<3

Who Sees This?

Hello, Lovelies

I've just had a thought. I wonder who sees this and how you have stumbled upon my little piece of the internet over here. Do you know me from school, are we related, maybe you live halfway around the world, and you happened to stumble upon this blog by complete accident? Is this the first post you have seen on this blog or do you come back to see what I am posting about? I curious. I'm curious about who sees this and where you happen to be from. Am I, an 18 year old American girl, really that interesting?

I would like to do an experiment. If you have stuck with reading thus far, I would like you to leave a comment answering the questions above.

Each post of mine gets at least a handful of views. Some more than others. Are the views from all the same person? Is each view a different person reading from their laptop, tablet, or smartphone? I don't know. But I would like to. Just because I'm curious.

Okay. Go comment. Thanks.

HW<3

Friday Five... On Saturday. Oops.

Hello, Lovelies

1. Happy birthday, Great Grandma Rose! Today (Friday) my grandma is 91 years old. When I asked her how it felt to be celebrating her 91st birthday she told me she didn't expect to live so long. Anyways, shout out to her for being a trooper!

2. Tuesday, I received my yearbook for my senior year of high school. The yearbook cover looked great and was really interesting. It was even embossed. The theme for the Viking Voyager volume 52 was all things travel. This meant passports, postcards, travel themed title pages. The works. I enjoyed that aspect of the yearbook. As for the photos representing the year, not so much.

There were many repeats of photos of people and none of others. This happened to me. For instance, there are three photos of the same two people on the color guard page. The only photo of me on said color guard page was in the very blurry group shot. One of the photos on the page is the same girl on the same night in the same exact spot on the field taken at very similar angles. Another example is the fact that they yearbook staff choose to feature a select few is with homecoming. Normally there are photos of all the homecoming court members. Not this year. They put photos of three of the couples that were on court and none of the rest. There are literally so many pictures of the same couple. It was so redundant to look at.

Anyways, I find it incredibly annoying that the yearbook photographers take the same photos of the same people (mostly their popular friends) all year long, and that is all that ends up in the yearbook. It will always happen though. This is part of why high school and their yearbooks are overrated. In ten years I could be going through my high school yearbooks, and all I will remember is how I wasn't popular or friends with anyone popular.

3. Moving right along, I tried a few new foods this week! First up: butternut squash. I made a butternut squash veggie burger with carrots and garlic. I was hesitant to try this because I had never had any kind of squash before. I became especially so when cutting the butternut squash open because it smelled a bit like pumpkin. I'm not a fan of pumpkin anything food wise. Once it was cooked, I took a bite and it was actually pretty good. Something I think I will eat more of in the future. Next was pomegranate. I had wanted to try pomegranate for such a long time. After learning how to cut it without a huge mess, I was pleasantly pleased with the taste. It is definitely one of my favorite foods now. I even had my dad stop at the store today (Saturday) to pick up more. I eat it like candy. Lastly, tomorrow I am making zucchini bread for the first time. I love the taste of zucchini bread, so hopefully it turns out and my family has another tasty treat to eat.

4. I took photos last weekend of my sister and her daughter for a mommy and me session and the baby's five month photos. The turned out so, so great, and I had a lot of fun while taking them. Now I have to edit and finish them before next weekend. I have a senior session planned. Hopefully the weather cooperates for that (currently a rainy forecast). I'm excited but also slightly nervous since it is my ex boyfriend's sister who I am taking photos of. Whatever. I'll make it great. *stands in superman pose for confidence*.

5. Today was Cedar Springs Red Flannel Day. That meant waking up and going out in the wind and cold to watch marching bands compete. After that there was plenty of walking around to last me through tomorrow. There was... Well, I'll just let you watch my video on Monday because I vlogged.

Okay, I'm tired after such a long day. Good night, morning, whatever it is where you are.

HW<3

Random Thoughts I Have

| I lost a lot of hair in the shower. Should I check for bald spots? | Should I really rewatch all of Gilmore Girls? | I ran out of hangers for all the clothes I have but don't wear. | I always read "prefects" as "perfects" in Harry Potter... | I love chilly, windy fall days. | Who really wants their picture in the yearbook anyway. | Yearbooks are so impersonal. | Look at all the extra pages in the back for signatures. It's going to stay nice and blank. | What should I blog about today? | I can't sneak as long as I'm wearing glow in the dark nail polish. | Is that a pimple on the back of my neck?! | I want to walk the 3.2 miles to grandma's house. | That picture is so great! Oh, and that one! And that one! | I wish I could marry his voice. | Do I really talk to my self that much? Yes, yes I do. | Really, Holly? Really? | I should drink more water. Milk will do. | Why would I go outside when there is a perfectly good bed right here? | I really want to go for a walk, but I would have to change out of my pajamas. So, no walk today then. | I really hope my phone doesn't fall out of my hands and hit me in the face again. | I accomplished a lot yesterday. I can take it easy today. | That is the weirdest and potentially the most creepy photo I have seen in a long time. | Why, why, why, why, WHY?! | I'm so stupid sometimes. | Genius! | That definitely has a negative two percent chance of happening. |

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. Happy Friday! I really just want to start today's five off on a positive note. It's the end of the week. I'm sure that some of you reading this have had some ups and downs, maybe some stressful moments. Hopefully, you will get to relax since it is the start of the weekend. Personally, there have been a few setbacks for me and my family, but there have also been some good things happening. I am choosing to focus on the good. I feel better this way. Happier, excited.

2. I cannot explain how happy I am that it is finally fall! It is my favorite season without question. I started the autumn tag on Instagram this week, I have been seeing more and more Halloween and Thanksgiving decor/cards/costumes/foods, I bought glow in the dark nail polish that I am wearing now until at least Halloween, I have my Halloween costume planned, I am planning on trying new fall recipes, the leaves are changing colors, ABC Family will start playing Halloween movies! I am just really happy. I wish it was fall all year round. Who's with me?

3. On a more serious note (kinda), I have my own channel on Youtube now instead of the collab channel. For me, it wasn't working because we have different ideas and styles of doing things. It is better for me this way. It is in no way meant to be a bash at Cierra because I didn't think it was working out. I was getting kinda frustrated. We're just different, and that is perfectly okay. Our styles don't mesh very well. It's okay. It's just how it is.

I'll be posting my first video on Monday. You can check out my channel, HollySays17, if you would like. I'd appreciate it.

4. Going along with a social media platform theme, I made a Facebook page for my photography business a couple days ago. I'd love for you to go and like my page. It really does help. If you're feeling really generous, you might consider sharing my page with your Facebook friends. I would really appreciate it. Photography is one dream of mine. I love it, and want it to be my career. Your help with that would be incredible.

5. I am so ready for the next phase of my life. Since graduating and breaking up with him, I feel kind of stuck. Like I'm going nowhere. I am ready and waiting (a little impatiently) for what God is planning for me. I wish I knew what was coming next for me. It kind of feels like something is going to happen, like something is brewing as I type. I have absolutely no clue what! I hope it's something good! I will go read Jeremiah 29:11 now... Peace out, Lovelies.

HW<3

Autumn Tag on Instagram!

Hello, Lovelies

In honor of the start of my favorite season tomorrow, I will be doing the Autumn Tag from Tumblr. I have decided to post a fall themed photo and answer to one of the questions below on my Instagram (hollysays17) instead of just answering all the questions at once. I start tomorrow and will be randomly posting from this tag until the winter solstice, December 22. I did have to adapt this tag slightly. Since it was from Tumblr, there were some Tumblr specific questions. I don't have one, so I changed the questions so they were Thanksgiving related. This tag was made by a user in the UK, so Thanksgiving wasn't included previously. It just fits me better this way. All the questions are below. Join in if you please! I'm really excited to get started! I'm using the hashtags #TheAutumnTag and #50DaysofFall.

1: What is your favorite ‘ber’ month (Sept-Oct-Nov-Dec)?
2: What is your favorite autumn leaf?
3: What did you dress as for Halloween last year?
4: What is your favorite fall food?
5: Do you have any holiday traditions?
6: Ever been to a Halloween party? Describe it!
7: What music do you like to listen to during fall?
8: What is your favorite fall outfit?
9: Favorite spooky movie?
10: S’mores or pumpkin pie?
11: Hot chocolate or warm apple cider?
12: Do you like Pumpkin Spice Lattes?
13: What is your favorite day of the year?
14: What would your familiar be, if you had one?
15: What is your favorite part about fall blogging?
16: What is your favorite food at Thanksgiving dinner?
17: What is the best thing about your town during fall?
18: Favorite Christmas song?
19: Tea or coffee?
20: Halloween, Thanksgiving, or Christmas?
21: Cats or bats?
22: Do you enjoy carving jack-o-lanterns?
23: What is your favorite fall color?
24: Favorite fall activity?
25: Favorite snow related activity?
26: Spooky or sweet?
27: Trick or treat?
28: Do you enjoy visiting graveyards?
29: What is your favorite fall memory?
30: What was your best fall ever?
31: Gloves or mittens?
32: Do you enjoy ice skating?
33: If you could spend fall anywhere, where would you choose?
34: What’s your dream Halloween outfit?
35: Favorite autumn quote or song lyrics?
36: Do you enjoy the other seasons?
37: How do you plan to spend this Halloween?
38: In ONE sentence… WHY do you love fall so much?
39: What is your favorite fall makeup look?
40: What is your favorite fall candle scent?
41: Do you enjoy Christmas?
42: What is your favorite store during fall?
43: Do you enjoy cold weather?
44: What is your least favorite thing about fall?
45: What is your favorite/least favorite Halloween candy?
46: What is one thing you’d love to try during fall, but haven’t yet?
47: What do your friends and family think of your fall obsession?
48: Be honest… Are you already planning your fall-themed wedding?
49: Do you have fall/Halloween boards on Pinterest? Link them!
50: Do you enjoy rain or snow?

HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. So, I should start off with explaining why I didn't post on Tuesday, right? Here it is: I had the worst weekend that turned into the worst week. Okay, well, not the worst that could ever happen, but in a pretty bad place mentally. Really rough. I was pretty depressed, irritated, just felt really bad and useless. I was tearing myself apart and being really critical. Emotionally, I was all over the place. I couldn't shake the negativity I was feeling. Everything was bothering me, and I couldn't change how I was feeling no matter how much I wanted (and, oh, how I wanted).

But, there is an up side. I am feeling mostly like myself again (better, even) after a week of all of that. It feels so good to not feel like my brain was locked in a tiny white, claustrophobic box without a way out! I know we all have those days. We don't feel good enough or strong enough to handle all of the emotions, everything going on in our lives. Almost daily I have to recite Jeremiah 29:11 just to keep myself going. God has a great plan for me and for you. You'll get through it. Promise. It may not feel like it now, but everything will work out in the end. Something that looks like a burden at the time might actually be a blessing. But, you should still pray about it.

2. When I realized I hadn't wrote anything to publish Tuesday, I kind of freaked out. I kind of had something, but it wasn't going to work out. I didn't want to pretend I was better than I was. Anyways, I went searching for inspiration (or just something to put up) through old blog posts I never published. You would not believe how many blog posts never got published. I have something, like, 28 posts started in my drafts. They range from just titles to practically finished. Oops... I guess there was something stopping me from putting them out for the world to read. Not sure what. I really honestly don't know. Some of said drafts are completely irrelevant now, but some of them have potential to make it up on the blog. Once I finish them, of course.

3. Along with some of my old blog post ideas, I have been thinking of new ideas. First, I have an idea for a series. I'm not sure if anything will come of it. It will be titled: Just A Girl if I decide to pursue the idea. Also, it would take my blog in a bit of a different direction than anything I've done before. It has me really excited. Second, I would really like to do more poetry and personal writing. It would kind of fit in with the new series. The only problem is that I'm not sure where to really start with this. I used to do this all the time with ease. The words would just pour out of me and end up on the paper. Not so much now, although I still write in the notebook dedicated to letters to my (now) ex boyfriend. Don't judge. I'm actually considering posting some of my extremely personal thoughts I have wrote in it. But I'm a little scared. But I think it will also be good for me and help me to connect with my readers on another level. So torn!

4. On a lighter note, it happens to be birthday weekend (Yay for cake!). My family celebrates all the birthdays in one month at the same party. Most of the time anyways. Autumn happens to hold most of the birthdays in my family. Here's the rundown of all the birthdays my family is celebrating this month in order:

-my aunt Betsy, the 14th
-cousin Hannah, the 17th
-Dad, the 21st
-brother Zach, also the 21st
-cousin Andrew, the 24th

Is that it? Umm, let me check Facebook real quick. That's it as far as I know! And for those of you wondering what I decided to give my brother as I mentioned worrying about in a previous five, he's getting five bucks in a card. He's hard to buy for, okay? At least I'm making the card myself.

5. Gosh, I really don't have a five for today. This post is pretty long anyway, so I'll just say goodbye now. Goodbye! See you Lovelies Tuesday.

HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. First up for this five, lipstick! This past week, I have fallen back in love with wearing lipstick. A classic red, something bright and fun, I love how it looks. I have a nice pinkish red color that is just so great. I can't wait to buy a plum colored lipstick for this fall. I love how it feels, how it looks. It really adds to an outfit. I feel weird without my lips on!

2. Once Cierra has gone to boot camp (no technology), I am going to be recording videos and posting them all on my own. I won't be able to bounce ideas off her, so I made a list of video ideas for myself. The great thing was, I was able to decide all the videos I am going to be recording and which days I am going to upload them. I have the next two months lined up, and I feel great. I love having a schedule planned out. Perfectionist/ anxious personality coming through.

3. Slowly but surely, the leaves are changing color and falling to the ground. The first official day of autumn isn't until the 23rd, but it already feels like fall to me. There are pumpkins and decorations for sale in stores, and everyone seems to be thinking up cool costume ideas. I have even seen a bunch of recipes for creepy Halloween themed food. This is all not to mention the perfect sweater weather Michigan is currently experiencing. Time to get cozy. I love fall, and as I said yesterday while shopping with my dad, "I want to cuddle it and hold it close to my heart." Yes, I really said that. Yes, I know I'm weird. I don't care. Who's with me?

4. The past couple of weeks my family has been eating more junk food. Normally, I don't let anyone buy junk food and therefore my nickname has become the "Food Nazi". Now, after a couple weeks of having sugary, unhealthy snacks and treats, I am really trying to get back to my regular healthy eating self. Yesterday my dad and I went shopping. I loaded the cart up with fresh fruits and vegetables because I am determined to be healthy this fall. I am also trying to get my dad to go on more walks with me. It's a work in progress.

5. Lastly, I couldn't go without mentioning how significant this day is to America. 14 years ago today, events occurred that would change this country forever. Although I personally don't remember much as I was only a four-year-old preschooler, others were impacted much more significantly. Many lives were lost (nearly 3,000) in the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. Let us not forget Flight 93 that crashed into a field when brave passengers attempted to get control of the plane by attacking the hijackers.

So many lives were changed. Being the emotional person I am, I get teary eyed just thinking about those who lost their lives or family members and friends of those in the attack. It's time to say thank you to those who risk their lives for this country. I feel blessed to know that they are keeping the country where I live safe.

America was attacked, but came together. Let that be our silver lining. Here's to never forgetting.

HW<3

What I Love | Rain

Hello, Lovelies

I am one of those people who loves the rain. Although sunshine is nice, rain just has me so excited. Anyone else love the sound of rain on the roof? The smell? Rain has a very distinct smell to me. I'm not talking about the wet dog smell. Rain smells so... fresh. It's relaxing and wonderful and everything good.

Let's not forget that rain is necessary for plants to grow. Plants give us food. Food is necessary. Everybody likes to eat, right? Rain is wonderful.

So many people complain about the weather. They hate it when it rains. They hate it when it's sunny and hot. They hate it when it's cold and snowy. They hate it when it's windy. They are never happy with the weather. You'll never hear them say, "I got you sun!" and embrace it or, "Let's go dance in the rain." I guess they never heard that life is not about waiting for the storm to pass.

Whenever it rains, I think of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight when Bella complains about the rain and everything being "too green". I would love it! I want to be there! Call me crazy.

I love a good thunderstorm with booming thunder and rain coming down in heavy sheets. I love watching the rain come down, dancing in the rain, or cuddling up to a good book while it's raining cats and dogs. What's not to love?

For all those people hating the rain, maybe you'll appreciate the sunshine more once it's back. Just saying.

HW<3

Friday Five

Hello, Lovelies

1. Devote followers and friends know that my friend, Cierra, and I started a new channel on Youtube titled Trying Two Adult a couple weeks ago. After starting the channel, I looked into buying a Canon Powershot vlogging camera. I just wanted something other than my phone with decent video recording and was pretty light. With a little bit of searching on Ebay, I found one and bought it for a really good price.

This is it!

I was really excited and anticipating its arrival in the mail. Just five short days later (and over a week ahead of the estimated delivery date), I received my new vlogging camera! I can't wait to make some videos for our channel using it.

2. Changing direction a tad bit, I want to chat about my photography for a minute. This past week I finally started pinning my photos on Pinterest. I had read blog posts from other photographers that gave tips about having a business (incidentally found on pinterest), and one tip was to pin your own photos. This way your followers see them and have another platform for your work to be displayed. It took me a while to start. Now that I have, I realize just how smart it is to do this. You can follow me on Pinterest here. I have over 2,000 pins varying from photography to food to color guard. A little bit of everything.

3. I had quite the busy week. It started with following a new schedule and filming a video. Editing photos took over the rest of the week until Thursday. Thursday I visited my great grandma Rose and went to Big Rapids for a little shopping. My father, brother, and I also visited my sister while in Big Rapids. That was a pretty busy day. Today we headed to Grand Rapids to pick up my brother's new suit. It is really snazzy. Zach looks great in it, and I can't wait to take photos! Just thinking about it makes me smile. I will post photographs on my photography blog within two weeks, so keep your eyes peeled!

While in GR, my dad, brother, and I went to World Market per my request. We found a few fun treats there. We visited a couple more places before headed home including IHOP where we ate lunch (and I talked with someone I knew from color guard in high school). I vote: a good day.

4. With a busy week comes a busy weekend. Tomorrow is the Trufant Jubilee! The Trufant Jubilee, for those who don't know, is pretty much this little town's special day that happens the first weekend of September every year. There is a special breakfast that is really good and NOT expensive at all, a parade in the afternoon, a flea market, and a ton of little booths to buy from. My dad's favorite booth is run by a sweet Amish lady that sells different flavor pies. He always comes home with a Pecan Pie.

I am also watching my niece for the entire day which is going to be... fun. Tiring. Just all around interesting. She can be really fussy and cry a ton when her mom isn't around. So, I'm prepared for that, but at the same time not so much. I'll be a long day for the both of us for sure.

5. After all of that fun happenings tomorrow, I am painting and rearranging my room on Sunday. Why I chose to do this on such a busy weekend? I don't know. It is something I have been wanting to do because I painted it a couple summers ago, and I absolutely hate the color on three of my walls. So much that I didn't even finish with the color.... It reminds me of two things I do not like with a passion: puke and salmon. I am painting it to match the other wall and ceiling a light green which reminds me of springtime all year round. It'll look SO good when it is all finished. A lot of work, but worth it. Maybe I'll post photos after it's all done.

Thanks for reading this week's five. I'll be back with another post on Tuesday. Have a good long weekend!

HW<3