Struggling.

It's 1:30 am, and I am sitting on my bed crying.

I'm here thinking about how I felt like my writing pieces were getting better, and now I'm stuck and don't even want to look at them. I'm here thinking about how I wish my photography was better. I can take a, one, really great photo and the next five are passable but not nearly as good. Sometimes I just hate them all. I'm just sitting here thinking about how I feel like I can't talk to my dad like normal because the past week he hasn't been paying attention when I try to talk to him. It feels like he just doesn't care. I feel like I have no one to talk to at all right now. I'm sitting here thinking about how I don't have a mother who really cares and how I wish she didn't try to buy my love. I'm here getting really overwhelmed and anxious for all that I have going on this weekend, and it's still half a week away. I'm just here thinking about how I'm not a good person, how I'm not nice. I'm thinking about how I'm never going to have the future that I hope for. I'm here thinking that I wish I had just one friend that would listen and understand perfectly. I'm thinking about how fat I feel. I'm thinking that I wish I could be over this stupid breakup with this stupid guy. I wish I could say that I'm over it since it's been over two months, but I would be lying.

I feel like a bad Christian, daughter, sister. Just bad. And I'm struggling with it all at once.

I wish that I didn't compare my writing or photography with others. I wish that I didn't compare myself to other people at all. I wish that I had a better relationship with my family, but I'm just not good at it. I wish that I didn't get completely overwhelmed and completely anxious ridden. And I'm not even in college like most everyone my age as people love to remind me. I just wish that all the things I think of and want to do to help others could actually happen. I wish that I had more patience to wait for what God has planned. I wish I had a friend. I wish I was twenty pounds lighter. I really just wish that I was over this guy, over everything, like I want to be.

But I'm not, and I don't have patience, I do compare myself and my work to others, I do get completely overwhelmed and anxious and feel like I'm going to puke.

I know that time won't stop. I know that I will get through it all because even though I don't feel like I'm able, I have to. I don't have a choice. Life keeps happening and this will just be one little bump in the road. But right now at this very moment, I don't know what to do. I am just one big struggling mess.

So, I'm going to think about all this and cry until I finally fall asleep.

HW