New Year state of mind...

As the current year is headed to a close and the new year is just around the corner, many make a New Year's resolution (often to get in better shape). In a way, this is mine. So, in no particular order, here is a list of what I hope to conquer in the next year.

1. Become a Big Sister

I have a whole other post planned chatting about how I feel called to be part of Big Brother, Big Sister. The jist is, I have felt called to join this organization to help a young girl, a Little, learn to have confidence, self worth, and to be a light in the world. I am excited to see what she will teach me also! I'm sure there will be a lot.

2. Donate blood

I have had many opportunities to donate blood during high school and my first semester at Ferris. The problem: The idea of blood being sucked out of my body sickens me. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, and I hope to have the courage to try donating blood within the next year because so many people are in need of blood every day.

3. Get a tattoo

Now, I know many of my family members would be horrified to know that I want to get a tattoo. That's okay. The tattoo that I have designed has a lot of meaning behind it, and I will not regret getting it in the future. This is also a courage resolution, because I am nervous of the pain and going by myself to get it done. Nonetheless, something I hope to accomplish soon...Or at least within the year.

Just a few, but I know that I can have a big impact. A little girl's future could change drastically because of my influence on her life. Even a stranger could impact another's life for worse or better in just a matter of moments. Giving blood is one such example. This year I wish to strive to make a positive impact on the world and focus less on "me".

HW

I Never Imagined College Would...

...start this way for me. I never imagined feeling the way I do.

Going into my senior year of high school, I was dead set on going to one particular college. It is far from home in an amazing city and everything I wanted. Seattle Pacific University. My dream college.

When Seattle didn't work out and neither did my backup, University of Evansville, I was forced to take a gap year. I didn't know what I was going to do, where I was going to go. I remember feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. Especially to myself, but also to my family. I felt meaningless. A waste of space and energy. And heartbroken.

Whenever anyone asked what I was going to do instead, photography was my answer. It had been (and still is) a hobby of mine. It was the only answer I could give. I gave it, but I didn't really believe in it or want to make it full time. The stress of trying to made it that much worse. I didn't pick up my camera for months.

During the winter, I became extremely depressed. More than my usual seasonal depression. This was in part from the no college, gap year, no money, car, life, or friends ordeal and also because of the break up. I even gained some weight. It wasn't enough for family to notice, but it was enough to make my clothes a bit uncomfortable. This just added to the problem.

At the start of the new year, I applied to the local community college. As it would be, my unwanted gap year helped me realize that I wanted to study to be a nurse. But not just any nurse. A Certified Nurse Midwife. A ten year plan was thought up with varying factors, and I was starting to feel just a little bit better. I then got a car and my license. Something was still off, though. I realized that I wasn't happy with going to the community college. I wasn't feeling right about it. It just wasn't feeling like it was the right place for me.

Soon after I understood why I was so uneasy, I learned that their nursing program had recently lost accreditation. That was the moment I knew I would be attending a different college this fall. That college would be FSU. I was feeling much better about the whole situation. Still nervous for orientation, I soon found out that I had no reason to be. Orientation mid July was great. It was fun, informative, a good fit.

Now though, I still find myself questioning how I got here. Not in a good my-life-is-just-so-wonderful way, but rather a why-can't-I-be-excited-to-be-at-FSU kind of way. I know what it is now, too. I had the highest hopes in attending SPU with the dreamiest of campuses. That is the school I chose. FSU is the school I got instead. I didn't choose to stay at home and commute to school everyday, it was just the best option for me financially. The smart option. That doesn't make me feel any less like a failure, a loser, just what the kid in my 9th grade math class told me I would ever be. Nothing.

I'm really trying to find ways to immerse myself into college life at FSU (going to football games and other events on campus), but from living 30 minutes from campus, commuting, having to find a job, having no friends, worrying about science classes, not fitting into any of the organizations, I am on the verge of falling to pieces. I am lost even when I know I will be attending college for the next four to five years at Ferris.

That is why I am back blogging. And because I missed it. Hopefully it will keep me sane in this time of crazy. Maybe occupying myself with blogging and other things totally me will help remind me who I am. Or recreate myself into the person I want to be.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." -George Bernard Shaw

HW

In Just Two Short Weeks...

...I will be starting as a college freshman at FSU. I'm nervous and excited for my first day of classes and finding a part time job to help with the many college costs.

I have declared myself as a pre-nursing major in hopes of making to the professional sequence, graduation, and beyond. My ten year plan also involves me eventually becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife, but we'll see. I need to make it through my first semester of college first. Or even my first day.

While at first I was only excited for my new start at college, I now find myself getting more and more anxious about the whole situation. I can't help but feel this way when I am spending money, buying fancy books, and having them arrive in the mail. Flipping through them is causing me more worry than anything else.

There was a reason I didn't take chemistry in high school. Multiple reasons, actually, but the main being that something just never clicked in my mind. It just doesn't make sense to me 95% of the time. Now, I am starting college, and I have multiple chemistry and biology classes mandatory for my major. I can almost feel my dreams slipping away before I have even had a chance to prove myself. My mind has already wandered to the possibilities of what I might do as a college dropout.

To be completely honest, it is kind of a miracle in itself that I've even made it this far in the college journey. Not to say that I nor my family members aren't smart and capable, but my parents didn't make it to college. My sister hasn't yet either. I know everyone has always had high hopes for me (I was called stupid by some for not starting last year, straight out of high school), but I may not be what everyone hoped. I've constantly had to prove myself. This is just going to be another one of those times. To sink or swim? Bend or break?

I'm sure there are many other college freshmen feeling the same way I am. Too bad I don't know any. There's something, too. How does one make friends? In college specifically? I don't have any friends, and I feel like even a couple going through the same general beginning of college stresses as I would help me feel just a little more at ease.

What's a girl to do? For now I will just be here reading through my textbooks and thinking up what to wear for my first day of classes.

HW<3

Exactly A Year

A lot can happen in a year. People become unrecognizable, inside and out. A plethora of life changes. Too many to count.

A year ago to the day, the boyfriend and I were breaking up. There was crying and sadness, then a weight lifted before anger, frustration, and depression set in. At least on my end. I had no idea who I was or what in the world I was going to do. I knew nothing but disappointment. Disappointment in myself and the situation. Not just the boyfriend, but also with college and my very unwanted gap year. Little did I know how necessary it was then.

And now, it has been an entire year since the break up, and I'm just about to go to his little sister's graduation party. I have been on the fence about going since I was invited about six weeks ago. Since he is off doing his training for the navy far, far from home, I highly doubt he will be there. Still, I know that I will be answering questions asked by his various family members about my plans all while feeling very awkward and staring at my shoes (black flats, if you're interested).

But, nonetheless, I will go. Mostly because I was invited by his sister, and his family has never been anything but kind. Also, I should go because I will be uncomfortable. Let's face it. I am such an anxious person. I am in a bubble, and my bubble home has become placid. Safe it will always be, but that is not how I believe I am supposed to live. That is not how God wants me to live.

It's time to start anew. Be a better version of myself. I am not the girl I was last year. This is the time to step out of the bubble, be a little uncomfortable (it won't last forever), and let the past go.

A lot happens in a year. Let's see what happens these next 12 months.

HW<3