I Never Imagined College Would...

...start this way for me. I never imagined feeling the way I do.

Going into my senior year of high school, I was dead set on going to one particular college. It is far from home in an amazing city and everything I wanted. Seattle Pacific University. My dream college.

When Seattle didn't work out and neither did my backup, University of Evansville, I was forced to take a gap year. I didn't know what I was going to do, where I was going to go. I remember feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. Especially to myself, but also to my family. I felt meaningless. A waste of space and energy. And heartbroken.

Whenever anyone asked what I was going to do instead, photography was my answer. It had been (and still is) a hobby of mine. It was the only answer I could give. I gave it, but I didn't really believe in it or want to make it full time. The stress of trying to made it that much worse. I didn't pick up my camera for months.

During the winter, I became extremely depressed. More than my usual seasonal depression. This was in part from the no college, gap year, no money, car, life, or friends ordeal and also because of the break up. I even gained some weight. It wasn't enough for family to notice, but it was enough to make my clothes a bit uncomfortable. This just added to the problem.

At the start of the new year, I applied to the local community college. As it would be, my unwanted gap year helped me realize that I wanted to study to be a nurse. But not just any nurse. A Certified Nurse Midwife. A ten year plan was thought up with varying factors, and I was starting to feel just a little bit better. I then got a car and my license. Something was still off, though. I realized that I wasn't happy with going to the community college. I wasn't feeling right about it. It just wasn't feeling like it was the right place for me.

Soon after I understood why I was so uneasy, I learned that their nursing program had recently lost accreditation. That was the moment I knew I would be attending a different college this fall. That college would be FSU. I was feeling much better about the whole situation. Still nervous for orientation, I soon found out that I had no reason to be. Orientation mid July was great. It was fun, informative, a good fit.

Now though, I still find myself questioning how I got here. Not in a good my-life-is-just-so-wonderful way, but rather a why-can't-I-be-excited-to-be-at-FSU kind of way. I know what it is now, too. I had the highest hopes in attending SPU with the dreamiest of campuses. That is the school I chose. FSU is the school I got instead. I didn't choose to stay at home and commute to school everyday, it was just the best option for me financially. The smart option. That doesn't make me feel any less like a failure, a loser, just what the kid in my 9th grade math class told me I would ever be. Nothing.

I'm really trying to find ways to immerse myself into college life at FSU (going to football games and other events on campus), but from living 30 minutes from campus, commuting, having to find a job, having no friends, worrying about science classes, not fitting into any of the organizations, I am on the verge of falling to pieces. I am lost even when I know I will be attending college for the next four to five years at Ferris.

That is why I am back blogging. And because I missed it. Hopefully it will keep me sane in this time of crazy. Maybe occupying myself with blogging and other things totally me will help remind me who I am. Or recreate myself into the person I want to be.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." -George Bernard Shaw

HW